Steve’s World

Wow, has it been a month already?  Bad blogger.  Bad, bad blogger. 

Lots of stuff going on.  I finished an electronica piece called “The Long Goodbye,” which was written as a response to the passing of my father-in-law.  You can listen or download, temporarily, for free at: http://www.stevemueske.com/music/musicprojects/electronica/longgoodbye_r5b.mp3.

My review of a Power Suite 5, a series of mixing and mastering VST plug-ins, was posted on Songstuff at http://recording.songstuff.com/articles.php?selected=155.

Next up is the just released flagship virtual synth Omnisphere by Spectrasonics.

Matthew Shindell’s book In Another Castle was released (announcement will be posted later this week).

I finished a poem I’ve been working on for about six months (the only poem I’ve finished during this period).

I’ve been reading upwards of three manuscripts per day for this year’s Open Book Award. I’ll begin setting up the book for last year’s First Book Award winner, Jehanne Dubrow, this week.

Applied for a new job at the University. Participated in the Guinness Book of World Records for the most flu shots given in one day (old record was 3,800). We had something over 11,000.

Started rereading Gulliver’s Travels and a handful of poetry books. Posted a few more poets on Poetry365.

Still need to get Press Releases written for my CD and get my website updated.

*sigh*

Man, I am tired.  When I’m on an upswing, only getting 3 - 4 hours of sleep is not a big deal.  But I had a crash over the weekend, slept about 20 hours, and have only been able to sleep about four hours a night.  Two nights ago, I took a sleeping pill at 9:00, when I still wasn’t asleep at 1 AM, I got up and took another one.  It took me an additional two hours to fall asleep, and it was agony trying to wake up for work.  I drag-assed all day trying to solve a production problem (that was eventually identified), then last night I went to bed about 1 AM (theoretically giving me 7 hours), but woke up screaming most of the night, stuck in a recurring nightmare that pretty ensured my wife didn’t get any sleep either.  She’s a saint.  Who else would put up with a lunatic that wakes up screaming at the top of his lungs all night long?

In my reading life, I started “A History of God,” by Karen Armstrong and am, so far, engrossed.  It’s so interesting to see her address many of the same myths (and their ramifications) as Victoria Nelson did in “The Secret Life of Puppets,” though the former is a former nun and believes in a mono-theistic God, and the latter is a-religious.  Both have sort of come to the conclusion that though this age of science has become a kind of empirical, episteme-based experience, there is some evidence to suggest that we are (or will be moving toward / incorporating) the older, gnostic sensibilities that began in late antiquity.  Fascinating stuff.

I, like everyone else in America, plan on watching the vice-presidential debates tonight.  I’m very curious for a number of reasons.  Though I despise Sarah Pallin, I don’t think that she is as dumb as people make her out to be.  I think she is a highly intelligent and capable woman who just so happens to be a complete idealistic nutjob as well.  This is otherwise known as complexity.  Biden, on the other hand, will have to tow the line between argumentation and condescension (or rather, the perception of).

Two months ago I had my studio bill paid off, after six years of doing subcontracting work outside of work for website development.   Now, after pressing a CD of work composed during the same period, and purchasing a set of much needed monitors, my debt is back up to around 1700 dollars.  And I still have to put out 2 books this year.  I had placed moritorium on studio purchases (which I have again re-instated), but I’ve realized that my mixing skills have outgrown my monitor setup (which is, basically, a piece of crap set of Behringer 2031Bs), and I have been increasingly frustrated by the lack of definition the lower mids.  If I really want to compete with larger shops and get serious about my music, I need this critical piece in the mixing chain.  The new monitors are demo versions of Adam A7, so I saved about 150 dollars off the price of new ones, and got those, two XLR cables and shipping for under $950.  I’m very sick about spending this money, but I’m also sick of being a small fish in a very big pond, going to a job I hate every day, and keep hoping (with little evidence to say otherwise) that I can somehow create a life that will be more fulfilling.  These monitors won the monitor of the year award last year.  Because they have an extended frequency range (about 20 db on either side of the audible hearing range) and because the subfrequency drivers are 6.5 inches instead of 8, I should be able to reduce the amount of standing waves in my studio (lower frequency waves are much longer and bounce off from the walls in smaller studios) and dramatically increase the definition in the critical area of my mixes.  But this also means that I have increased the time to pay back the debt to around 1 year (and that I’ll have to scrap for a lot more work).

Today, I met with a friend of a friend who also does web design.  He is an immigrant from Ethiopia and he has a dream of returning to his homeland and starting a school, clinic, and providing basic clean water services for the village in which he grew up.  I will be writing copy for the website as well as writing copy for the brochures and such.  There is a group of 9 or so people who will be part of the board and they are applying for non-profit status for this project, which they are hoping will serve as a model for future projects across Ethiopia.  This is one project that I am excited and proud to be participating in.

I am in the final stages of setting up Matthew Shindell’s new book.  The front matter is nearly complete, and then it’s just one more proof away from readiness.  I still need to fill out the Library of Congress’s EAN assignment info as well as Bowker’s online database, but everything else is done.  Then I need to begin setting up Jehanne Dubrow’s prize-winning collection from last year’s contest as well as start reading the new batch of manuscripts for this year’s contest.

Tomorrow, I am going to see my therapist (which I do every two weeks).  I am starting to come to the realization that I am finding a purpose in my life — one that has been missing for the last twenty years or so: to undertake an authentic search for god and the intersection with the idea of the holy and creativity; I’m thinking I might finish my second master’s degree (which I started about seven years ago as a “renegade” graduate student). 

With the second set of monitors I can take my current ones and plug my Line 6 X3 live directly into them for practicing the 12-string touchstyle Toneweaver I bought last year (it was supposed to be the instrument that supplemented my search for God).  Now that everything in my life is being aligned toward wholeness and unity of purpose, the pieces are starting to fall into place.  The first example of this is the project in Ethiopia (that I mentioned above).  Not a day after I recommitted myself to this purpose this opportunity arose.  I immediately felt a sense of rightness, and it is toward the rightness, as a constant state of being, that I want to move.  I want to move toward it without the baggage of organized religion, and recognizing the complexity of all contemporary religions, historical myths, poetry, the creative, etc.  I am convinced, on a very basic level, of the reality of some other reality that coexists with and is a part of ours.  I don’t think it is gnostic or epistemic.  I don’t even know how to express or explain it.  In another post, shortly, I think it would be good to sort of layout what my thoughts and feelings on this subject are and to prepare a system of investigation.

I recently read a post on a poetry message board regarding the proposed bailout.  Here is what I posted in reply, edited and expanded somewhat.

 ”What I don’t understand is that every evil always gets linked back to the government.  Even this mess.  [The Republicans who are against the bailout have said “The government encouraged this (by encouraging people to buy homes).”] Then, when things start getting ugly, people start screaming for the government to save them. [The irony, here, is that those same Republicans are saying that this fix is “anti-Republican”.   First, let me say that for all its faults, the government is not to blame for many of things it is blamed for.  If we apply even the most basic logic, we must ask ourselves, “Who has had control of the White house for the past eight years?” Those that are for the bailout use our stewardship in the world market as one of the primary reasons. ] 

To the buyout.  This is bad for any number of reasons.

1.) Let’s start with the deficit. After Bush’s not very bright tax rebate last year and this bailout (if it happens, and I think it will), we will have added 1 - 2 trillion dollars to the deficit.

2.) These are private companies. COMPANIES. Since when does government get involved in the affairs of companies? Do we really want to set a precedent here?

3.) Do we really want the treasury department to weild this kind of power? If they buy up these mortgages at basement rates (as some have proposed), the problem will only be exacerbated (unless they also get into the market of home renovation and sales). If they buy them at above market value (as some have proposed) then there is no guarantee a.) that they’ll go up in value, thereby making it a good investment; b.) that taxpayers will benefit in any way.

Yes, there are problems for inaction, not the least of which are diminished retirement accounts and reactionary waves through the world financial markets, but this is ugly no matter how you look at it.

If we are a “free-market” society (and no, I don’t believe that “democracy = capitalism”) then we need to follow through. Let the market correct itself.  Shouldn’t we be looking for ways to pay down the deficit? Won’t that, in the end, be a far better course of action?  Let’s keep government and business separate the way we keep religion and government separate.  If the lines start to blur, and I know this is reactionary, we’ll start slipping down that slope toward the right.  What’s on the far end of the right?  Totalitarianism, fascism, and unification of power.
 ——
By the way, even doing simple math, we can all see the problem:

Current national debt: $9,793,765,035,499.71
Current population: 305,246,172

Current debt divided by all citizens (including children): $32,084

By continually increasing the national debt, we can be sure of one thing. The first things that get cut from the budget are services. There’ll be less and less money for education (all forms), research, and innovation. These are all things we need.

Paying this bailout may help in the short term (although I sincerely doubt it will), but in the long-term it will have catastrophic effects for the next ten to twenty years.

Man, time can slip away if you don’t pay attention.  It’s been thirteen days since I updated this. 

First things first (could they be any other way?), I am reading a poem on Linebreak this week, “Halley’s Comet,” by Trent Nutting.  You can read it at http://linebreak.org/.

Here we are, another blank box, another day.  Last night, I went in my studio around midnight, and it felt like I finally got my studio groove back.  I was worried that, since I’m having difficulty writing poems, my music muse had left too.  My wife came in my studio around 2:45 and said “You realize you have to sleep tonight, right?” and I realized that I was back.

Part of my problem is that I analyze things to death.  Can I work more effectively, more efficiently, etc.  Too much analysis is crippling.  I work how I work and that’s that.  So what if I only save about 2% of what I work on?  Actually, what I mean to say is “finish”.  I do a lot of noodling — sound design, experimentation, sifting through patches, ideas, etc.  As an example, last night I had an idea to fool around with a synth called “Subharmonic,” which is an instrument in Reaktor.  It generates sounds by subharmonic frequencies and formants.  I decided to see what would happen if I pressed a single note on the keyboard and automated synth parameters to control the harmonies.  I used two lines, one for formant pitch and one for subharmonic pitch.  It took a lot of trial and error, but I did create about six seconds of a really interesting sound.  This is how I work.  I try something for awhile.  If I get excited about it, I follow it.  If, in the future, I grow bored with it, I abandon it.  Even if I never use that particular sequence in a song or instrument patch I satisfied a curiosity.  Curiosity is how I work.  I may not be very fast or efficient, but does it really matter?  It’s not like people are banging down my door to get my latest music.  Until (and if) there’s a need for more speed, I need to take it in stride that this is how I work.

In looking at my blog posts, I see I’m slipping into the same old patterns. Whenever I start slipping down that dark slope of depression and suicidal thinking (what the talking heads call “suicidal ideation”), I stop talking about what’s going on in my head and just resort to scattered posts on public accomplishments (read “announcements”). The truth is, I’m bouncing around near the bottom. Every day is a struggle. But this is nothing new. I’ll have a week or two of creative energy — where I work and work, and get about three hours of sleep per night — followed by frustration, anxiety, depression, and the desire to do nothing but sleep. It’s horrible.

I started this website to try and bring everything I do into one location and try and focus all of my energy on moving forward. And that means looking at the ugly truth as well as the successes. There’s a balance to be had by doing this publicly. There’s a layer of self-reflection and a degree of “other-izing” the self.  What I want is to live as creatively, within my boundaries, as possible.  My dream is to live a creative life and still be able to support my family.

I am not a poet versus musician versus father versus husband versus man who must work to support himself and his family. I am all of those things. And I’m also broken, a human being whose had to struggle with a lifetime of mental illness.  I couldn’t even call it that until about four years ago.  I thought it was just a personal defect.  At first, when I started talking about mental illness and the times I was hospitalized for it, I had people support me s well as those who claimed I was doing it for attention.  Actually, I don’t really know what I want.  I just want to embrace who I am and work from there, I guess. This means saying out loud: I’m flawed.  Even if people don’t like me or what I do, I always want people to recognize that I always try my hardest. In my own mind, this often falls far short of what I want to accomplish, but I think this is because I setup unreasonable goals and expectations for myself.  I’m never going to be what I want to be. But I do my best at whatever I try, and I’m hoping that someday that will be good enough.  I would like to spend more time making art.  In the meantime, I have to live, as pragmatically as possible, in several worlds.  In six months I will have ten years in at a job I loathe.  I am trapped here.  I keep hoping that I can find a job teaching poetry, or I can license my music or get work scoring soundtracks, games, or short films.  I keep hoping.  Hoping.  But I am afraid, in my darker moments, that I will not live to see that happen.

My CD Hello Cruel World is now available on CD Baby!

http://cdbaby.com/cd/stevemueske

The last time I was in my studio to work (or as my wife playfully chides “play”), was July 31, the day before I had my CD mastered. I thought I’d take a week or two off to clear my brain, but then I found that I had difficulty just getting in there. A few times I went in and turned stuff on, and then immediately turned everything off. Finally, after four weeks of being away, I went in last weekend to work (pulled an all nighter). I was beginning to think I had developed a phobia or something. Maybe I just needed the time off — I dunno. At any rate, I’m back at work. Lots of stuff cooking.

From the NY Times:

“While there was no sign that her formal nomination this week was in jeopardy, the questions swirling around Ms. Palin on the first day of the Republican National Convention, already disrupted by Hurricane Gustav, brought anxiety to Republicans who worried that Democrats would use the selection of Ms. Palin to question Mr. McCain’s judgment and his ability to make crucial decisions.”

Hmm. Let’s think this through. If McCain is elected president and unfortunately dies, the country will be in the hands of a woman who’s been governor for one year, has very limited experience in government, is pro-gun, anti-abortion, pro-drilling, and whose record indicates an anti-gay position. I wonder if McCain’s less than transparent attempt to secure the Hillary Clinton vote will pay off.

I don’t think Americans are that stupid. I think this singular, terrible move on his part shows that his campaign is desperate and he’ll do anything to get elected.

Like many of us, I watched Barack Obama’s speech at the DNC last night. I felt a lot like I did watching Michael Phelps during the Olympics — that I was watching history being made. Taking a spin through the blog world, as linked through Technorati and other sites, I see a mixture of optimism by Democrats and mockery by Republicans. I’m not crazy about our country being divided, essentially, into red and blue camps (and hopefully this will change in the future), but for right now I think the country is in bad enough shape that we need to take a good, hard, sober look at what it will take to fix it. Right now, we pay more on the interest for our national debt than we do for education. The average dropout rate for high-school students is 1 in 2 (about the same for marriage statistics). Schools are in abysmal shape, and a lot of our workforce is being outsourced overseas. What I liked about Obama’s speech was his insistence that we are still a nation of dreamers and believers — we can still pull together; he emphasized unity and identity. I also liked the way he attacked McCain’s positions on gun control, medical insurance, and social security. What I don’t like is our country’s insistence on saying “we’re the greatest nation on earth.” By what standards? Why is this rhetoric even necessary? Shouldn’t we tend to our own problems and let everything else speak for itself? I would like to see a national discourse open up where we can talk about things that have been taboo — race relations, the inequality of wages in the work force; I’d also like to see I us really talk about national identity without resorting to nationalism. Obama’s right on the major points, though. If we don’t deal with our education crisis, we won’t have the resources it will take to shift the focus from reliance on fossil fuels to renewable energy. But I would love to see the day when religion is separate from politics. I’m sure it’s important for Christians to know who prays and who goes to church and loves the baby Jesus, but realistically, pragmatically, aren’t there more pressing issues? Does religion really equal morality (as many religious people insist) or is a sense of morality bound to personal integrity and an innate sense of right and wrong? Aren’t sympathy, empathy, intelligence, and compassion just as important? Someday, I’d like to see an atheist run and say “No, I don’t believe in God,” or better yet an agnostic that has the balls to say “I have no fricking clue what’s out there. I don’t know what happens when we die. What matters to me is the present and the circumstances I find myself and the rest of this country in.”

I’m hopeful, but skeptical. Any casual skim through responses to blog posts and media articles shows a real callous disregard for humanity in general. We’ve been conditioned to think this way. We need to make every effort to look to the future and make serious, needed changes.